So, I come from a long line of golfers. My family is crazy about the game--kinda like a religion. But more feverish and intense. I say more like a cult. And I mean my WHOLE family. From Dad down to the smallest cousin--they have crazy embraced this thing. My Sister even met Tiger (yes, that Tiger) in Dubai once. (and no, She is not one of 'the nine'!)
Lessons from the pro, club lengths, widths, brands, etc. are considered to the smallest detail. Partners for tournaments and foursomes are practically a life and death matter. A tee time must be kept and you dare not be a minute late as the next group is standing around clearing their throats and tapping their toes. Most of the game is spent waiting, and half the time you can't even have a conversation. However, a "nice shot" in a low voice-preferably with a British accent is allowed. The whole thing is interminably long and is generally suffered thru on the hottest day of the summer. It is imperative that you have the proper rain gear to allow play to go on in even a severe storm. There is a special siren that rings to warn you of the threat of lightening pulverizing you into statue you on the spot. Having the sense to come in out of the rain only applies in the most dire situations.
The game is particularly suited for the out of shape athlete. Mostly you just drive a golf cart--a skill I learned later to be my personal specialty--one hand on cold beverage and one hand on the wheel. And unlike a tennis game, for example, there is a cutie pie piloting a special little bar on wheels to serve you a cold refreshment! Now, there's a thing that is truly thought out.
And don' t even get me going on the clothes!! On a family outing my Mom says, "You know, they do not allow tank tops at the country club. You have to wear a shirt with sleeves and a collar." Huh? Like with a little alligator on it? Perfect. Oh and she adds, " No short shorts allowed." And I say, "Please not those long plaid ones?!" Well, you guessed it. Golf shoes appear totally orthopedic and those little spikes aren't even CLOSE enough for heels for me! Some concern about the state of the putting greens or something...And I am NOT wearing that dopey visor!
So after purchasing a truly fugly outfit, I agree to go to "The Club" for the family outing. Yes, I have the cute golf bag with the animal club covers. I've relented and am wearing the polo and long shorts ensemble. The shoes are ghastly.
I get two or three holes under my belt and have the best time watching for the club resident fox and the snapping turtles by the water holes. Okay, kinda fun. I flag down beverage hottie and get a cold beer. Now, driving the ball is sort of a kick, but I quickly lose interest in the rest of the hole. I am scolded and told not to lay down on the green even tho it's 98 degrees in the shade. After enduring a few more holes and even getting in some good shots, I have had enough. My Mom remarks with one eyebrow up that I could really be quite good if I just put my mind to it.
As we finally finish the ninth hole, I am relieved and ready to head into the bar for a real cocktail. Just then someone announces that we have 'made the turn' and are ready for the back 9. Ohfercryin'outloud! Now, I know you are kidding me. I look up and see what appears to be a mirage but is really the cool blue waters of the pool,--complete with chaise lounges. See ya gang! I'm so done with this game. Heading to the pool. Look at the cute lifeguard! And send over that driving drink dude! My Dad reminds me--"NO bikini's".
Man, you guys are no fun at all. Enjoy your week whatever you are up to! xoxo
6 comments:
leave it to you to use a golf theme in the winter. you seem to think there is something more fun to do on a hot and humid day in michigan. fishing in the saltwater, now thats fun. hope to get to see you over the holidays. steve
I've never golfed; although I must say, a former boss owned a small private golf course next to the subdivision killer Stephen Grant lived in. The golf course became controversial when my boss decided to provide nude entertainment on every green. What the hell was he thinking?
I knew it. I've tried to stay far away from golf and now I see why. there must be something secret that they let people in on after they become "golfers," because Otherwise I can't imagine why anyone would do it.
Party poopers. Girls just want to have fun.
Jodi, this is awesome. The drink cart alone would beckon me -- thanks for this. I had no idea. Now I'm not so surprised my lawyer friend joined the "Women's Golf Club" as the token man to "help carry the clubs" ;->
Anon/Steve-You are one of the freaks I am referring to! C U Dec.24. I will have your Manhattan waiting! JR-I heard about that particular golf outing. It is a local legend. You do need a big driver at work for your protection! Charles-It's a cult I tell ya. All that's missing is the Kool Aid! Peachie, I think we are sisters by different mothers! Erik-that's the secret, dude! Enjoying nature while giggling at the absurd outfits, cocktail in hand is the ONLY way to go.... 5 more days till Christmas. Hope y'all are chillin' and taking time to stop and smell the poinsetta! xoxo
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