Monday, August 13, 2018

Aint No Way...

I am not a great cook.  I have no natural ability, plus I find it very dangerous.

For a person who loves eat, this can pose a dilemma.  Family and friends know that my contribution to dinner will most likely be a salad or a bottle of wine.  Safe and simple-except for the one time I dropped and broke a bottle of wine on my big toe.  In addition, everyone will testify that I practically need a safety helmet to butter toast-a truth that has been proved over and over.

Family lore recalls me having baked a turkey into turkey jerky by cutting off the breasts because they seemed fatty.  Those were some amazing, brown turkey bones, and very low-fat!  And aren't the sweet potatoes the stars of the show anyway?

Once, when splitting a chicken breast in half, I managed to split my palm in half.  5 stitches later, my hand bears the scar and everyone still winces whenever I grab a knife.  Recently I left a pan in a pre-heated oven and thoughtlessly grabbed the pan with my bare hand.  July 4, found me sporting a white, raised 'Calphalon' branding, again on my palm.  Clutching an icy cocktail seemed to alleviate the sting.

The same friends witnessed me twice! burning to tar, a brie and croissant dish, that I knew was already stretching my culinary limits.  The wail of the smoke detector alerted us before I burnt down Kristin's cottage!

I once dropped a flaming marshmallow on the top of my foot. proving that even cooking over a bonfire has it's perils!  I now prefer to just unwrap the graham crackers and Hershey bars and wangle someone else to take the risk.

And last week, while popping popcorn-the one dish I have truly mastered-a hot, errant half popped kernel flew out and dropped down my top. In my distress, I tipped over some hot butter and-you guessed it-burnt my wrist.  I finally dumped the damn thing out but not before incurring a third degree burn between my chi chi's.  OUCH!

So all of you Cooking Channel and recipe aficionados, have at it.  I've got one life to life and I prefer to do it while perusing a nice menu.

And an icy cocktail-just in case!   XO




2 comments:

Erik Donald France said...

That is perfect, Jodi ~ !!! The dangerous chef, indeed ~ ~ Turkey jerky sounds pretty good, eh?

jodi said...

Erik, the sweet potatoes WERE the stars. That and a good bottle of white! XO