I have never been a 'joiner.' Other than the gym, I cannot seem to commit to a club or organization or even a class-long term. I remember in High School loving to ski with the group once a week all winter, BUT I just couldn't get on the bus and join the others. What if I didn't feel like it that week? Who do I have to excuse to? So, I forfeited the group discount and drove myself to the hill and met up with the gang. My timing, my control. And if I didn't feel like conditions weren't good enough for me to doll up and go, I could stay home and sip my hot chocolate.
I once took a tile making class put on by Pewabic Pottery. I have long admired their work and was very excited to learn how to make tiles. BUT...every Thursday afternoon, I would get a sick feeling in my stomach and dread going. The ridiculous thing about it is, that I loved doing it-just hated the 8 week commitment.
I also joined Families Against Narcotics a few years ago. I stated right up front that although I loved the work they were doing, I wasn't sure I could commit to all the meetings. I did for a few years, but now I am way happier in the background, doing things on my own time table. So much more comfortable for me.
When I mentioned this feeling to my therapist, she informed me that my fear of commitment is actually a bit of anxiety. What?? Fear of going to do the things that I love. Now that's screwed up!
So my big news is that I've joined a book club. Online! How perfectly perfect! All the fun without the commitment. No tummy aches as I click on whenever I'm ready. Thank you Allison, for the push I needed.
Now if I could just follow through and commit to those white strips! (baby steps, baby steps!) XOXO
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