Like a mirror in a fun house, my world seems distorted. The angles and pieces of my life do not fit together. Things can be one normal one moment, and then like the giant wave that comes every 15 minutes at 'Typhoon Lagoon', the grief almost knocks me down. Eating cotton candy, an elephant, a coney dog and a candy apple, would not give me a worse stomach ache. The finality is slipping in a little at a time and I catch myself expecting his normal calls. It's a cycle that spins with questions as unrelenting and nauseating as the teacup ride. The 'what ifs', and 'maybe ifs', and 'if only's' circle my brain like a carousel, round and round and up and down. Mood swings go up to the top of this roller coaster when I maniacally try to get-it-all done, and then plummet down, finding myself curled up in the fetal position and playing my own version of home movies in my head. Neither offer relief. I know it will get easier, well meaning people have told me that, along with the fact that 'he is not longer in pain'. The zombie in this haunted house, is me as I feel like a part of me has been cut off. Wounded, broke and bleeding, dizzy and sick, I move thru my days. I pray for the strength to make some sense of this nightmare.
5 comments:
Jodi that spirit of creation, the one that created all, including the spirit of death, never said it had to make sense, only that we should allow what we feel to lead us. So feel what you feel,try not to dictate what goes through your mind and heart. Remember what I told you? yeah that + when you're ready to buy the coffee let Jim and me know. You has my number too.
My dearest, sweetest Sissy... I'm afraid that this is a broken heart that cannot be mended... How could it be? You have suffered the worst imaginable loss. Grief is a mystery to us all and each of us deals with it differently and with no way of knowing how long it will be before the pain starts to decrease. Take it one day at a time and allow yourself to grieve but also allow those of us that love you, to help you by lending a listening ear and a caring hug. Love you Sissy!
The hurt will come out, one way or another. And the process is painful. I'm thinking good thoughts for you.
Oh Jodi just know that all of us that love you including Dane are surrounding you with all of our love and support. You are never far from our thoughts. This is a very painful loss. You have every right to feel all of those emotions. We are going to give you a little space. But we are going to call you and text you. We don't care if you cry the whole time you are with us. We love you Jodi and when you are hurting we hurt too. Love you Jodi
Mark-not only do I remember you words, I sometimes repeat them like a mantra. I'll be ready soon for You and Jim's tomfoolery.xo Sissy-I thank god for you and your compassion. Thank you for all you do. xo Charles-Thanks for sending me your Charlesness, I need it. xo
Jeano-You were one of Dane's best friends and supporters. I promise to stay in touch with you, because a little of Dane is in you. I will be calling you soon for lunch and a 'ketchup'. I love you too. xoxo
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